i haven't told you yet
how i felt that night
that night we went out to the show
and held hands and ate popcorn
and held hands
and came home after
and everything seemed so ... good and proper
and orderly ...
and we shared a glass of wine
and listened to The Traveller on the stereo
and i felt happy, content
sitting beside you on the couch
... and we began to kiss ...
and your hands began to move
and i let them,
thinking it felt good to be carressed
on my arms
my shoulders
my back
and yes, even my breasts.
i felt this was a liberty taken
yet freely given because
everything seemed so good and proper and orderly
and then
and then
your body begins to move
hard and fast
pushing against me like a steam roller on fresh blacktop
your lips the kisses
becoming a bad blur on a rainy windshield
and your hands becoming frantic
grabbing grasping tearing clutching
at my clothing my black nylons
my vulnerability
and i begin to suffocate
the plastic firm against my face
and i begin to scream inside ...
No No this is not in the plan
this is not what i want
This does not feel good to me.
but i remain voiceless
silent
a shadow
withdrawing
retreating into myself
into that safe place
where noone can hurt me
retreating into that safe place
where i cannot be touched or known ...
and i continue fighting you off
guiding your hands
back to my sanctioned territories
back to my permitted regions
and still the hands take off again
like crazed machines
me unable to contain them
pulling lifting shoving stealing
seeking flesh seeking conquest
seeking me.
and the screaming fills my head
and begins to saturate every cell every fibre ...
No. No. Why don't you stop?
Don't you know i'm not enjoying this?
I'm hating it! This horrible assault!
I'm hating it! I'm hating ... you.
and the incessant screaming
finally births a word
out of my deepest well
my deepest desire for self protection
and the word is no.
and it is No No No NO.
but said like " no".
and you pause
you actually stop
like a hungry dog in the midst of chewing a bone
distracted by a noise nearby
you pricked your ears
raised your head
surveyed the scene
and continued ravenously on.
growling gnawing panting pawing
pushing touching pushing grabbing pushing pulling
pushing me.
you saying "i want to, too"
and me ... quietly saying "no"
and me not so quietly dying inside
filling up with more scream
and me crying to the voices within my head
why doesn't he know that
no means no?
i said no.
i meant no.
why does he hear yes?
and me
exhausted violated
so unable to understand
so unable to comprehend
the essence of this unleashed beast
so unable to assert.
and me
trespassed against
with territories no longer private
no longer secluded
and me
finally
crawling across the ring
amidst final blows
well-placed punches and tears
crawling between the ropes and out
into my corner
finally i stand
beaten,
bleeding from the outside in
i stand and say " no more".
i stand and say "goodnight"
so calmly so evenly so well.
laughing smiling joking
hiding everything behind this mask.
angry at myself for being myself
furious at you despising you
for hearing your own yeses above my spoken no's.
i never told you how i felt
that night
that second date
that night we went to the show
and only ate that half a bag of popcorn ...
Days later you referred to that night
as being so good.
And I paused and i wondered
and i pause and i wonder ...
are we on the same planet?
how i felt that night
that night we went out to the show
and held hands and ate popcorn
and held hands
and came home after
and everything seemed so ... good and proper
and orderly ...
and we shared a glass of wine
and listened to The Traveller on the stereo
and i felt happy, content
sitting beside you on the couch
... and we began to kiss ...
and your hands began to move
and i let them,
thinking it felt good to be carressed
on my arms
my shoulders
my back
and yes, even my breasts.
i felt this was a liberty taken
yet freely given because
everything seemed so good and proper and orderly
and then
and then
your body begins to move
hard and fast
pushing against me like a steam roller on fresh blacktop
your lips the kisses
becoming a bad blur on a rainy windshield
and your hands becoming frantic
grabbing grasping tearing clutching
at my clothing my black nylons
my vulnerability
and i begin to suffocate
the plastic firm against my face
and i begin to scream inside ...
No No this is not in the plan
this is not what i want
This does not feel good to me.
but i remain voiceless
silent
a shadow
withdrawing
retreating into myself
into that safe place
where noone can hurt me
retreating into that safe place
where i cannot be touched or known ...
and i continue fighting you off
guiding your hands
back to my sanctioned territories
back to my permitted regions
and still the hands take off again
like crazed machines
me unable to contain them
pulling lifting shoving stealing
seeking flesh seeking conquest
seeking me.
and the screaming fills my head
and begins to saturate every cell every fibre ...
No. No. Why don't you stop?
Don't you know i'm not enjoying this?
I'm hating it! This horrible assault!
I'm hating it! I'm hating ... you.
and the incessant screaming
finally births a word
out of my deepest well
my deepest desire for self protection
and the word is no.
and it is No No No NO.
but said like " no".
and you pause
you actually stop
like a hungry dog in the midst of chewing a bone
distracted by a noise nearby
you pricked your ears
raised your head
surveyed the scene
and continued ravenously on.
growling gnawing panting pawing
pushing touching pushing grabbing pushing pulling
pushing me.
you saying "i want to, too"
and me ... quietly saying "no"
and me not so quietly dying inside
filling up with more scream
and me crying to the voices within my head
why doesn't he know that
no means no?
i said no.
i meant no.
why does he hear yes?
and me
exhausted violated
so unable to understand
so unable to comprehend
the essence of this unleashed beast
so unable to assert.
and me
trespassed against
with territories no longer private
no longer secluded
and me
finally
crawling across the ring
amidst final blows
well-placed punches and tears
crawling between the ropes and out
into my corner
finally i stand
beaten,
bleeding from the outside in
i stand and say " no more".
i stand and say "goodnight"
so calmly so evenly so well.
laughing smiling joking
hiding everything behind this mask.
angry at myself for being myself
furious at you despising you
for hearing your own yeses above my spoken no's.
i never told you how i felt
that night
that second date
that night we went to the show
and only ate that half a bag of popcorn ...
Days later you referred to that night
as being so good.
And I paused and i wondered
and i pause and i wonder ...
are we on the same planet?
