deciding

         i want to say ... i have decided.
         i want to say ... I HAVE DECIDED.
         i want to end this obsession that i have had.
         i want to finally close the book,
                draw the curtain,
                say "finit".
         i want to move on with  my life ......
         as if to say this has not been my life.
         as if to say       this has just been
         a very poorly acted melodrama.
                 
           as if to say this has really not been living.
         as if to say             i am really in charge here.
           as   if   to   say ...
         life is so very, very, very tidy.
         life proceeds a certain, acceptable, o.k. way.

         life is living our moments in exactly
            the manner we choose .
         as    if    to    say ...
         life is the eternal fairy tale
            we always hoped it would be.
         humpty dumpty can be put back together again.
         when all is said and done there will be a
          terrifically
               happy ending here.
          i want to say ... i have decided.
          i want to say ... I HAVE DECIDED.
           i am terrified of remaining in the empty
        desert
              tortured by the hounds of
                still deciding.